Things we love, Pt. 2

Plastic Bags

To illustrate a point, Kitty and her sister-in-law got a slice of red velvet cake at Cakeman Raven, home of the Best Red Velvet Cake in New York. After they inhaled their dessert, they walked up to the counter, saw a black plastic bag hanging from a hook and started to throw out the plat...

"Wait, wait, wait... that's not trash! Those are my c.d's... $10 bucks each?"

New Yorkers carry around plastic bags full of things. In Colorado, one would have a backpack, preferably from Columbia. In Seattle, one would have a man purse from R.E.I. Here in New York, you get little plastic bags and stuff as much in as you can.

Oh, and the other thing? Stores in New York don't spend any money on those fancy plastic bags. In Colorado, you'll get your "King Sooper" bags, clearly labeled with the grocery store name and/or "Have a nice day!" Here in the city, all the plastic bags are white or black, whatever is cheapest.

Frequently, you will see a woman, dressed to the nines, carrying a black plastic bag filled with God-knows-what. Maybe, you'll be in the financial district and see a man in a three-piece suit with a large bag with a toy for his kid.

Plastic bags, not just a socio-economic marker anymore.

Video games in the City

As you know, I'm a bit of a video gamer. Since arriving here, I've not had very much opportunity to play. Ever resourcefull, I have found a new "game" that fills the need. For those of you who don't love or know video games, here are some descriptions of all the games that you will need to understand this blog entry:

Tetris- A game where you have falling blocks that drop down a chute. You rotate them and organize them into lines. Key skills: Spacial relations and timing.

Unreal Tournament- Looking to the picture at the right, you will notice a gun in the lower right part of the screen. Imagine you are holding the gun, running around a "virtual world" and shooting all sorts of enemies. While it looks brutal and socially irresponsible, it is basically a game of tag for grown-ups. Key Skills: Aggression, Hand-eye Coordination, memorization of maps and locations.



A Space Shuttle Launch- Technically this isn't a game. Rather, it is the art of going from a stand-still to very fast in a short amount of time.

If you combine all of these things, what do you have? A taxi ride in New York City. I had the dubious pleasure of taking a cab to a clients house this week and at the very instant I shut the door, the cab went from zero to 35 miles per hour. Pressed back in my seat, the driver laid on the horn and yelled, "Where do you want to go?"

"86th and Park" I yell over the horn and the screams of a woman with a stroller who nearly was run down.

"No problem, buddy!" The cab slices between a truck and another cab with only three inches to spare on each side only to slam to a stop at a red light. As I pull my face off of the plastic divider between the front and back seats, Cabby yells again, "So what are you? Arab?"

"No," I say, "Just American." He asks about my geneology and he roars off again, weaving through the cross-town traffic. As I describe my lineage, I feel myself pulling from right to left in the back seat as he cuts in and out, tapping on his horn and complaining about the sweltering heat and humidity of NYC in June.

I like rollercoasters and rides and I consider my stomach to be stronger than average, but when I got out at the clients house I am thoroughly rattled. I throw some bills, collect my receipt and stagger off, hoping I won't throw up in a multi-million dollar apartment.

Things we love

My initial name for this post was: Things New Yorkers Love. With the visit of my brother-in-law and his wife, I came to realize that we are slowly becoming New Yorkers. Here is a list that is by no means all-inclusive. I hope to keep adding to it as our time here continues:

Birthdays.

In the words of Rockstar, "Your birthday is the one day per year that you get to be fabulous as you hang around with your friends." For his birthday he invested in a swell, white linen suit, rented out the basement of a great bar in the East Village and provided appetizers for about 50 of his closest friends.

A good bargain.

"PradaGucciVersacePradaGucciVersace" drones the men and women on the street corners down in Chinatown. There is no escape from the salespeople as they harass you on your way down Canal Street. This may be the most extreme example of bargains in New York City. Some friends from Seattle, a middle-aged couple, regularly take these salespeople up on their offers. They find their way to hidden rooms, stores disguised as apothecary shops and even mini-vans that sell these knock-off (?- or are they?) items.

It doesn't just happen in Chinatown. New Yorkers find their deals at thrift stores in Chelsea, second-hand stores on the upper East Side, and even bumming rides off friends with cars to get out to Jersey to hit Ikea.

The "Best of"

The signs are everywhere: "Best Pizza in New York" "Best Manicures" "Best Coffee" "Best Challah" "Best Happy Hour" "Best Smoked Carpathian Trout." These stores and restaurants are rated by Zagat, The New Yorker, New York Magazine, Sharkey's, CitySearch... I even saw a sign in the window of one Patisserie, "Best French Bakery"**

Simultaneously Eating and Walking

Self expanatory.

Brunch

On Saturdays and Sundays, the majority of New Yorkers wake up a "little bleary." Present company excluded. Sleeping in is a serious pastime on the weekends and breakfast ceases to be an option by about 11:30, when people start to function after a long night of cocktails, cab rides and clubbing. Restaurants are always ones to support the vices of their customers and so... Brunch was invented. You put a little bit of everything on the menu, add a Bloody Mary or glass of Champagne to help ease the blow of sunshine, and then- if it is summer- add street seating. The New Yorker, in its natural habitat will flock to your business, describe it as "yummy" and (of course) "the best Brunch in the City." Sit back and print your own money.

Tapas/Prix Fixe

This is where Restraunteurs get really sneaky. They give you a small plate of food that is half the size of a normal portion, they charge one third that of a normal meal and then they convince New Yorkers that they should get four or five plates to share between them and their dates. Does this seem fair? Does this seem right? No. But when Essence of Truffle Oil is on the line, the average New Yorker can't say "no." New Yorkers love Tapas- Spanish for "small plate" or "appetizer"- English for "take the trust fund babies for everything they are worth."

When a Restaurant becomes "hip," they move on to the Prix Fixe. You pay a flat rate per person and you get an appetizer, main course and dessert. The portion sizes are generally smaller than regular meals and you only have three options for each. This cuts down on the variety of ingredients that the Restraunteur has to buy and increases the over cost margins for each person. Prix Fixes range from $10/person in the Outer Boroughs to "your first born child" at the top of Colombus Circle at Masa. Despite these facts, New Yorkers continue to flock to Prix Fixe as a way to stretch the buck, get a deal, and get our monthly serving of Essence of Truffle Oil.

**As rated by their employees.

It's Fleet Week!

Ah Fleet Week... Sailors come to NYC for some well-deserved R&R. Those of you who are "Sex in the City" fans should know how important and special this time can be. In their honor, we see the Empire State Building lit up in red, white and blue.

To celebrate, Kitty and I went to the City Ballet. In addition to some Stravinsky and Bartok, the program included "Fun and Fancy Free"- a Jerome Robbins' choreographed ballet with music by Leondard Bernstein. It was Robbins' first big hit and it tells the story of three sailors in New York on a hot summer night. They are out drinking and carousing. It's a charming work that drips with personality and boundless enthusiasm.

The ballet has been a wonderful addition to our life in NYC. Though Kitty is the one with a nose for bargains, I scored a coup and discovered the Fourth Circle Society. For a fee of $30, you can buy two tickets per show for $15 each. We have attended twice so far and are going back next Friday as well.

The tickets that you get are up on the very top level of the theater. The views are very good, but at the first break, we traditionally will get up and move to better seats. Last night we saw a group of five people come in just as the curtain was going up. As they were led to their seats by the usher, they turned off and parked themselves in seats that were obviously not theirs but still empty. The usher walked on for about 15 feet before she realized she was alone and then turned around and proceeded to chew them out for taking better seats than they paid for. Of course, they just ignored her. She returned with her supervisor and they both were ignored for another few minutes until they gave up in disgust.

New York is like that. High-brow and low-brow collide in every part of the city at every moment. No place is safe from these accidents and I would have nothing to write about if it wasn't that way.

My little toe has never looked so good.

Experimentation is the key to enjoying oneself in the city. New restaurants, new museums, and new neighborhoods make up for the crowds, the dirt and the endless commuting. With a big and fancy party coming up tonight, Kitty thought she would push my boundries a bit last night. We met at our neighborhood nail salon and while she primped for the party, I got my very first pedicure.

Pedicures are quite an event. Not knowing what to expect, I made quite a few mistakes. I put my feet in the water at the wrong times and I writhed a bit during some of the scrubbing. In the end, though, the whole process was much more relaxing than I thought. Yes, I was the only guy in there, but I'm tough and rugged and I can handle the pressure.

My best high school friends are coming into town in a month or so. We are going to hit some comic stores, see some movies, eat curry and have a guys weekend. It would absolutely crack me up to see Slim Jim, RoboGuy and the Corporate Avenger sitting next to me with our feet in tubs of hot water. Somehow, I don't think it will happen.

I can't quit you.

Kitty and I recently returned from our honeymoon in Sonoma and Napa. It was a fantastic trip that included much tasting of wine and fine food, we headed out to Point Reyes on the California Coast.

As a surprise, I planned a horseback ride through the hills of Point Reyes National Seashore. It would have been a lovely surprise, but as we sat at breakfast, one of the staff who helped me organize it came up to us and said, "Sooooooo.... today is the big horseback ride, huh?" Kitty roared with laughter as she saw my face twist in horror that the surprise was shattered. She tried to console me all morning.

The ride itself was pretty fun. Kitty was so happy with it. The bad news? We renamed our horses, Dusty and Jack, to Apathy and Lethargy. They were ancient horses and mine, Lethargy, had emphysema and would cough like he was dying as he trudged and tripped up the small hills we rode up. We were consistently 25 yards behind the rest of the group and no amount of yelling at those horses would get them to catch up. That made the ride a little stressful. I kept saying to Lethargy, "Choose Life!" and "Don't walk into the Light!" and "Dear Sweet Jesus, don't die until we get back to the camp!" We made light of it all after a while and would yell back and forth, with our lips pressed together, "I can't quit you!" and "I swear to you, Jack Twist" and roar with laughter. (See Brokeback Mountain...) I think the guy leading our little group thought we were crazy. Riding horses is definitely out of my comfort zone.

If you wait on the corner of Lafayette and Clinton, the whole world will walk by you.

As we walked home from church on Sunday, Kitty and I saw the most amazingly convenient service that New York City has ever offered to us: Bob's Tool Service. If I haven't mentioned it before, let me reiterate: If there is a way to make a buck, it's already been dreamed up in this city. Now back to the van:

This large green van has a generator in it and window. Parked on the corner like the grown-up equivalent of Mr. Softee, adults look out the window, clap their hands, grab all their kitchen knives and their wallet and line up to have Bob the Sharpener get all of their knives sharp enough to cut paper!

Would it work anywhere else on this earth? Maybe not. Allow me to offer a corollary to my earlier point: If there is a way to spend a buck, it's already been dreamed up in this city.

Can you dig it, baby?

Over the past two days, we lived through our first, honest-to-God, New York City snowstorm. It makes me wonder why our city's founding parents did not find it down south by about 400 miles. When everything was said and done, 26.5 inches of snow landed in Central Park over the last two days. Yet another historic moment for us.

Dateline: Saturday. The snow begins. I'm out with Rockstar, my old friend from Penfield, New York. Where we grew up, we knew snow. Being a couple of hardy guys, we hit the streets to run some errands. Sure, it was snowing, but it wasn't really accumulating. After some light shopping, we walked over to the Lower East Side to hit 'inoteca, a hot new restaurant. Rockstar knows the sous-chef, who treated us like royalty as we sat at the bar. The guy sitting next to Rockstar asked if we were celebrities because we were getting unexpected plates of food as we enjoyed our wine. Not a bad way to start off the snowstorm! I had to ditch Rockstar early on. He was off to grab a three-course dessert at an Alphabet City cafe. If I joined him for something like that without Kitty, I'd be in the doghouse!

Dateline: Sunday. Church is skipped. I can't see out the window at the apartment. I know that it is only two blocks away. The accumulation overnight was spectacular. Our one, ill-fated trip out of the house was when dinner time was fast approaching. We put on our severe weather wear from REI and head out, empty-stomached, to Chipotle. Two subways later and a long walk through the heart of downtown Brooklyn, we open the doors to Chipotle. The smell hits us... disinfectant. "We ain't open... ran outta food," she yells. "We've got a coupon for a free burrito. It expires tomorrow and we'll be out of town..." I glibly lie. "I'll give you real coupons for two free... get in here," she yells back. I'm seeing black spots from hunger and I fight off my light-headedness as I stagger to the back. "What now?" I ask Kitty. "Why home, of course!" she says. We hike back through the occasionally waist-deep snow to the subway and then after about a half hour subway ride, we head home.

Dateline: Monday. Kitty has a snow day and I depart for the office as she sits on the couch, sipping coffee and reading a book. The sidewalks are remarkably clear due to the almost fascist shoveling laws in the city. Owners of buildings can be fined if the sidewalks are not clear by 11 p.m. during snowstorms and then again at 9 a.m. the day after. (I could be wrong about this, if I were a real writer, I'd research it. It is something nearly as draconian, though, and I am grateful.) Curse the MTA! They still are running. The door to my building is about twenty feet from the entrance to the G-train. So far so good. The station is a ghost town complete with gusts of wind blowing a lonely, crumpled newspaper. The train is similarly quiet as I start the commute.

By the time I reach downtown, the sun is bright and the skies are blue-steel. Now the fun begins. I am transformed into a polar bear, leaping from iceberg to iceberg (in my crummy sneakers). There are narrow paths carved through the snow, but at intersections, I must jump over rivers of slush and melted snow that back up the drain systems.

I am currently reading Winterdance: The fine madness of running the Iditerod. I imagine myself being led by a pack of dogs, roaring down 57th street screaming "Mush, Mush! I've got a 9 a.m. with millionaire clients!" I would look back and laugh at the poor wildlife trudging through the snow in their business suits, hoping to still look vaguely respectable after their commute. Alas, I am just like them. Like the Iditerod, there is a pride in just finishing your commute on days like today.

Dateline: Tuesday. There is less snow but even more water. I did not know that ponds ecosystems could form at intersections in New York, complete with plankton, waterfowl and old men with fishing poles. And there are a lot of intersections in New York. It keeps melting through the day. Incredibly, by my commute home, life is mostly back to normal and water has evaporated to the point where you can safely navigate the streets. Where did it all go?

Mailing is a sign of love.

If you have received a card, package, or anything requiring a trip to the Post Office, you have no idea how much we love you. Really, love doesn't begin to cover it. You are adored. If you doubted our affection, for shame... this entry is proof. (For those of you who have not yet received a card or package from us, you are loved as well.)

Trips to the Post Office are mine-fields of the first order. It starts with volume. There are a lot of people here and they all love people elsewhere. This leads to a lot of mailing. If the U.S. Postal Service were to have enough offices, they would have to buy out all of the Starbucks locations and start turning them into branches. Skip that... even that wouldn't matter because I waited a half hour for my last cup of coffee. The lines branch out in many directions because there are lines for every aspect of your postal needs. The one to mail packages, one to pick up packages, one to ask questions, one to buy stamps, the list goes on and on. If you happen to get into the wrong line and only find out whey you get to the front, well, too bad for you. It's a long walk to the back of the correct line.

At our post office in Brooklyn, the employees are, what I like to call, "special." By special I mean, they have zero personal and customer service skills. Every time I get to talk to one of them, I make sure I am organized and have exact change ready. I also say a little prayer that I don't get Mr. Sarcastic. Like an evil tooth-fairy, his purpose is to bring pain and tribulation to your day.

Note: In the field of acting, we frequently use subtext to say a line but have the opposite meaning. Actors can very their tone of pitch, inflection of words and pace of speech to transform lines, entertain audiences, bringing joy and illuminating the human experience.

Now imagine if you will, a man who smiles at you and will hold the following conversation with you:

Customer: Hello, I'd like to get a book of stamps.
Mr. S: Alright, just one?
Customer: Yes, just one book, thank you.
Mr. S: That would be $6.77.
Customer: Here you go. And could you mail this letter?
Mr. S: Of course. Have a nice day.

Not too bad, right? I'm going to now add commentary to the dialogue outlining the subtext in this brief motivation. Please keep in mind that Mr. Sarcastic is smiling and friendly LOOKING:

Customer: Hello, I'd like to get a book of stamps. [Hello, I'd like to get a book of stamps.]
Mr. Sarcastic: Alright [this is a huge inconvenience for me, Idiot], just one [you cheapskate]?
Customer: Yes, just one book, thank you. [What the heck? I just asked for a book of stamps?]
Mr. Sarcastic: That would be $6.77 [and I hope you die in a horrible car crash].
Customer: Here you go. [What did I do to deserve this tone of voice? I'm baffled] And could you mail this letter? [Please, don't be mean to me... I fear you so much already.]
Mr. Sarcastic: Of course [you could give me a tip or something]. Have a nice day [nice= getting cancer].

Some random thoughts and my new dog.

It was almost eleven at night and Kitty looked out the window and said, "Oh my God, the city is gone!" Sure enough, our building was surrounded by the thickest fog I've ever seen and the entire skyline of New York was gone from sight. It was so dense that you could barely see the next building over. Since I'm not sure who is responsible for this disappearing act, I'd like to salute both God and David Copperfield. This morning, the fog was gone and it is clear and bright and you can see all the way to Jersey.

While we were in Boston last weekend, Kitty and I got a dog named Rex. She's a brown boxer with a small black patch on her chest. Very cute pooch. Of course, I'm the idiot who named a girl Rex. Right now she can sit and stay, but that's about it. Obience school is a little to pricey, so it looks like it is up to me. Kitty rolls her eyes as I tell it to sit, roll over, play dead. She doesn't seem to understand that it takes time to teach a dog to do tricks. She's probably rolling her eyes because she has never seen anyone yelling into a Nintendo system. Sorry to disappoint, I have invested in a copy of Nintendogs, a charming dog simulator. (www.nintendogs.com) The extent of my dog walking is tapping on the touch-screen of the game and curbing my dog is remarkably easy.

This is a remarkbly subtle segue into another observation about New York City, not a mea culpa to my love of video games. The fact is, there are about a billion dogs in New York City. On a beautiful morning like this (aha! This all ties together-- sort of), if you take a walk to the open fields of Prospect Park in Brooklyn or Central Park in Manhattan, you will see the Puppy Coffee Klatch. People young and old get their dogs out of their cramped apartments, drink coffee and let the dogs run around and play with each other. Kitty and I have seen this first hand during our warm-weather runs. The surprising thing is that most of these dogs are big. I don't know how one could live in a City-sized apartment and enjoy oneself with an uncommunicative roommate the size of a shetland pony walking around and bumping into the coffee table. Also, where is the SPCSA during all this? They don't mind throwing paint on people wearing fur, but they'll allow a St. Bernard to live in a studio apartment with a family of four. Which is worse? Seems to me the St. Bernard has got ongoing psychological abuse. The mink only died once, right? I kid- of course.

Ambulation, Part Two

On Friday, I had the pleasure of seeing my sashaying friend as I walked up Second Avenue. As I was heading uptown and arrived at 57th Street I saw her waiting for the light directly across the street. I have a terrible memory for faces and there is no way I could pick her out of a crowd, except for the fact that as she stood at the intersection across the street from me, she was singing to the music and getting her groove on. This was no gentle sway back and forth, rather I think I saw a step-ball-change thrown into the routine. As the light turned to "walk," she did a small hop-step and then started up her skip across the road.

The other people on the street, myself included, all managed to keep our poker faces as we walked by her. As I looked around, there was not one frown as people got out of her line of sight, only smiles and nods. I myself did a flap-flap-step- ball-change and shuffled off to the office.

You CANNOT try my new Gameboy.

Facing the skyline of New York and enjoying the light of sunrise as it envelopes the Empire State Building, I am reminded of one great and universal truth...

"You would not be crying if you did not put your fingers up your butt."

Sorry about that, I just got interrupted and noise is an everpresent phenomenon in the city. There is the background noise of the subway, the roar of the bus, people speaking in many languages and neighbors yelling. In this case, our neighbors, a couple with a problem grandchild, have hit the proverbial ball out of the park. Yes, I heard Grandma yelling that through our rather thick walls. What can I say when I see them in the hallway now? Grandpa yells about the vagaries of respect and elders. Grandkid yells that he hates them and he can't stand it here.

That afternoon you see your neighbors in the elevator. You talk about the weather. You mention the parking woes of the day. Worse yet, Grandkid is there and he asks me about my new Gameboy that he sees as I try to hide it as quickly as possible. Stay calm, stay focused, don't offer to let him try it...

There is an unwritten, unspoken rule in the city: With people living so close, eating so close in restaurants and generally "up in each others business" at all times, you do not comment, judge or ask too many questions. In restaurants, tables are frequently within a foot of each other. Conversations are brutally apparent. At the next table over, a couple may be talking about their dating life/crazy friends/canabalistic tendencies, but you do not look over, raise your eyebrow or comment in any way. Rather, you make a mental note of their conversations, continue with yours and then discuss and laugh when you are safely at home and... no one can hear you?

Tiptoe through the Tulips

As I walked to work the other day, I was walking up Second Avenue when I saw a heavy-set woman moving towards me. She had an I-pod and was skipping downtown. She was in her late fifties and was wearing sneakers and she was singing to herself and as she skipped, her arms swung wildly in time.

It is also surprising to see runners as they move down the sidewalk in some of the most non-residential parts of the city. The streets are incredibly crowded and they dodge through the people, run red lights and keep their heart rate in the cardio-vascular zone.

I suppose people can ambulate about the city as they please. I find myself taking the stairs, two at a time, up from the subway to the street in the mornings. If you take the E/V to the 53rd Street station, you will realize how hard this is. I am sure that I get strange looks from the riders on the escalators who are to my right. I zip past them and when I get to the top, I try to pretend that I'm not out of breath.

NYC: tranforming you into something cinematic.

I am not a particularly cool person. I play video games, wear comic book t-shirts and just last weekend I spent two hours watching a movie called, "Jesus Christ: Vampire Hunter." While I am not particularly well-dressed, well-groomed and well-bred, I am occasionally reminded that living in this city can make you significantly cooler than the sum of your parts.

Case in point, on a grey morning as you walk to work, you can step off a sidewalk and walk through a blast of steam coming up from the subway. It twists around you and as you step out of that small cloud of white, surrounded by people walking perpendicular to you, that invisible movie camera zooms in towards you, time and fog slow down and you feel like you are in a John Woo film, about to face a million bad guys as an undercover cop.

Another example, you walk across Washington Square Park. The sun is shining and as you walk towards the camera, you can feel a flock of pidgeons behind you take flight into a blue sky dotted with high clouds. You walk forward and the camera circles around behind you. It sees you as you walk towards a beautiful woman with curly hair and you walk up to her and take her in your arms and give her a passionate kiss for the whole park to see... Is it a scene from the latest romantic comedy or is it daily life in the city?

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I am a fairly cool guy. I have an interesting career, I occasionally wear frappachino glasses and I can relate well to many different types of people. While I have an attractive wife, friends from all walks of life and I write a blog, I am occasasionally reminded that living in the city can make you significantly lamer than the sum of your parts.

Case in point: You are walking up the stairs from the subway. It is a gray rainy morning. You are wearing a pretty cool black jacket, nice slacks and a matching belt and shoes. As you take the last step up, a huge gust of wind blows up. You see four people walking towards you and the gust of wind pops each of their umbrellas out like kids popping the tops off of dandelions. The gust of wind carries a wall of water that drenches your pants through. By the time you get to the office, you look like you have walked through a typhoon, with leaves stuck in your hair, pants two shades darker from the water and socks that won't dry out until lunch. The camera zooms in on the pathetic temp worker arriving for another miserable day of work.

Another example, over the course of your first two weeks, you receive three parking violations for some damned thing or another and you curse your luck as you enter an intersection on a yellow light and there is a flash of light behind you... you just scored ticket number four. You are sitting on the subway, enthralled in your book and as you get up to leave, you realize that the person who you thought was coughing a little bit was an ancient woman with a cane and four bags of groceries who just stood for the last four stops because you didn't get up and give up your seat (as you normally would). The camera follows you out of the subway door, only to turn around and show the disgusted faces of your fellow commuters. You try to walk out with some sense of pride but you can't help feeling like a total jackass.

7.9 miles, 20 thousand steps, borders broken and home found.

(ed.- I started writing this on January 1st, 2006. I finally finished writing it today.)
My wife, Kitty, asked for a pedometer for Christmas. Today was her first day using it. And what a day it was. Christmas proper was spent in Rochester, visiting my family and friends. It was a whirlwind trip. The weeks leading up to Christmas were packed with gigs, rehearsal, travel and more gigs. We missed the sights and sounds of NYC at Christmas time and now was our chance to appreciate them.

Our day didn't begin as an attempt to catch the Christmas spirit. Rather, it began with the search for the cheapest haircut in New York.

It Takes a Village...

to score the cheapest and best haircut in New York City.

My previous haircuts have been a real mixed bag. The first was good. I went to a local salon in Brooklyn. DeeDee cut my hair and she seemed a little intimidated by the weird white guy coming in to get a trim. She was probably about as intimidated as I was. It turned out well, but on my second trip, I got her assistant. If I had not helped him out, I would have looked like the youngest, thinnest Stooge of the bunch. It was a truly appalling cut and I called Kitty, who was out of town, to lament the loss. Let's just say that if it had been a bris, I probably would lost the ability to procreate. (non-Hebrews should google the word “bris”)

Here we are in the East Village, this morning. I walk past a hip (and very empty) salon and turn into a training school for barbers. Barber Juan doesn't really speak English, but his teacher does. I feel the pressure rise, as I try to explain my current “look” and the way I'd like my hair cut. I can see Kitty in the mirror as I try to explain. She's trying to look as positive as possible. “You can do it!” her smile seems to say as she nods along with my description.

The teacher looks at the back of my hairline. “You've got little pony-tail... You want to keep?” No, it's just the way my hair grows, I hate that little thing... cut it off. He goes to work and shows his student how to carefully remove the repugnant growth of hair from the nape of my neck.

About forty minutes later, three conversations with teacher, translator, barber (-in-training) and Kitty, the cut is finished. Voila! It's great and one of the best in the recent past. Cost? $5 (plus $2 tip). It's unbelievable and I'm sure I'll never get the same cut again.

The Hike Begins...

Step 4,000. Our next stop is two storefronts north of the barber school, a place called the East Village Cheese Shop. Or, heaven, as I like to think of it. The cheese is inexpensive but it feels like a premium cheese shop. We kept our purchases light, knowing that this would be a long day of walking. A small package of low-fat havarti and a roll of fresh goat's cheese.

Kitty and I now are on a mission. We start roaming down St. Mark's and stop in at a comic book store (for me) and some fun boutiques (for her). We find some incredible menus at the restaurants around there, but our lunch has been packed and there are too many to make a choice. We make mental notes of names and locations and swear that we will go back some day.

After a quick break from lunch we decide to explore neighborhoods that we have not gone to before. Since we have arrived, we have spent a great deal of time in Chinatown, the Village and Chelsea. Yes, we have made the occasional trip elsewhere, but we have primarily foraged in these three areas. Today is our day to break down those borders, one step at a time.

The Best Electronics Store in the City?

Step 7000. We have walked uptown to B&H Electronics. Our excuse is that we are looking at digital cameras. Honestly, we heard that it was a neat experience. I've read a lot lately on the Internet about the death of the intelligent, computer/electronics salesman. These days, when you walk into an electronics “Superstore,” you find high school kids who don't really care, middle-aged men who try to sell you up to something you don't need, or worse. Gone are the days of people who actually know what the hell they are talking about.

B&H was a far different experience. Here are some observations: The store store was packed with customers and you checked all bags when you arrived. Salesmen helped you find the exact item you want. The items were placed in small bins that traveled via an elevated conveyor belt to the front of the store. You paid your bill, went to the pick-up counter, got your items and then got your other bags and left the store. I have no idea how anyone could shoplift. Yes, it was a lot of layers to buy an item, but considering the cost of the items, it seemed perfectly logical to try to protect themselves. Also, the salesmen were entirely men and most were Hassidic Jews. The only women we saw at the store were serving free soda and pretzels. All over the store there were small bowls of fruit candy for the customers. The salespeople who helped us were incredibly helpful, well-informed, and made us feel very comfortable with any purchases we might have. I got the general impression that they did this for a living and they really enjoyed their job. Moreover, they were a pleasure to speak to. Though we didn't make any purchases, Kitty and I agreed that we would be back to make any purchases after figuring out exactly what we need and want. We both could have purchased several items after the salesmen took so much time with us.

Foreign Friends

Step 10,000. I find myself thankful that I have friends from foreign lands. In this case, we are grateful that one of my best friends married a woman from Korea. He had told us to check out a small row of shops on 32^nd Street between 6^th and 7^th Avenues. It was as if we had entered another country for that one block. Every store sign was in Korean and every employee spoke English as their second language. We walked by some incredible looking restaurants. In the end, we found a small 24-hour deli called, Woorijip. It had dirt cheap food and Kitty and I shared a small plate of Kim-chee pancakes. Though we would have browsed, we might never have taken the time to stop in if it weren't for our friends.

Christmas comes but once a year, so make it last!

Step 14,000. One would think that after Christmas, the celebration would start to taper off. No, the city basks in the afterglow of the holiday season, making efforts to liberate dollars from the tourists that hold them hostage. Case in point, the tremendously complicated window displays at Macy's.

It is a short walk from Woorijip to Macy's but as we neared the intersection of Sixth Avenue and Broadway, the crowds became a challenge. Yes, we were taking steps, but when they are slow steps, do they still count?

All of the Christmas lights were still on. It was becoming a gorgeous night. As we forced our way up to the window displays, we could look up and see the Empire State Building directly above us. For those of you who are reading this with your maps by your side, you will realize how far we have walked today. Upon reaching the displays, I was surprised to still be enchanted by something so simple. I have a high school friend, Roboguy, who now builds and designs very complex robots. I think he might have been impressed by the intricacy of these giant books that sat in the window and then opened up to reveal a scene of New York City at the holidays, all choreographed to some nice, jingle-belly music. We watched each little show and though the crowds were still terrible, Kitty and I agreed that kids in New York should see that yearly. It's a lovely (and inexpensive) way to celebrate the season.

It is Beer Thirty.

Step 16,000. We need a rest. This has been a long walk and I find myself in one of those rare moods where I have an opinion. Yes, humble reader, I don't like to make decisions. Not big decisions, mind you, but the little ones. Where to eat for dinner? Eh, I could have anything. What movie to see? I'd see King Kong or Brokeback Mountain. Both sound good. In the rare instance that I really want to do something, I just speak up and I usually get my way.

Kitty was happily shocked when I said that it was still happy hour at our favorite tavern in the Village. This time, though, we hopped on the subway to get downtown. I know that I've mentioned that Kitty can find a deal anywhere? Imagine a fun, college bar that serves $1-Sam Adams from 3 pm to 7 pm during the week. Usually, it is still quiet during those hours and you can still talk without needing vocal therapy the next day.

Home at Last

Approximately 20,000 steps later, we arrived back at home. Was it a good day? You betcha.

Thanks, MTA!

I had the pleasure of working for a week in Los Angeles and as I explored, it was only natural to try to make observations about my surroundings and life in that fair city. My hotel was in Studio City, near Universal Studios. The location was nice and not far from Hollywood.

Los Angeles is very different from NYC, of course. My favorite difference is the subway system. It is sparkling clean, the cars are new and it costs $3/day to ride as much as you want. Also, no one uses it. I rode it a couple of times and it was a constant pleasure to ride.

Of course, the MTA trains are nothing like this. Crowded, noisy, rats on the tracks, two bucks per ride (or $7 per day), trash everywhere and liquids on the platform in the most unexpected places... All that aside, it is far more useful than LA's system. It takes you more places and is far more flexible.

If you didn't know, the past three days have been subway-free, thanks to our Mayor, MTA Employees and a general lack of civility on this earth. The issues aren't really that important to me to discuss. It was a general mess of historic proportions.

Of course, I am ever the optimist. My wife and I met up after she finished work yesterday and we walked around our neighborhood in Brooklyn. What did I discover? It is a short walk to places that take twenty minutes to get to on the subway! Target is a ten minute walk. The gym? About the same. Also, we can get to Fulton Street Mall, downtown Brooklyn, and if we pushed it a bit, Brooklyn Heights! For a city that felt so enormous, It really isn't as bad as you think. Thanks, MTA, for showing me the truth!

INCONCEIVABLE!

"Ha ha-- you fool! You just fell victim to one of the classic blunders. The first is: Never get involved in a land war in Asia. Only slightly less known is this: Never go against a Sicilian when DEATH is on the line! Ha Ha Ha, Ha Ha Ha, Ha ha HUH!"

My career is rather boring. I try my best to avoid it in this blog, but every once in awhile it will rear its ugly head. In this case, it has to do with celebrities. In New York, celebrities are everywhere. My wife is known to go to the Meatpacking District, if only to catch glimpse of the Olsen Twins or Lindsay Lohan. It's a hobby to try to see them around.

As an opera singer, I meet people who are famous in my little world, but not much more than that. All that changed this Friday when I took an audition for an Off-Broadway play. They needed some opera singers to fill out the cast. Apparently the show had some sort of "opera within the play" and they were specifically looking for tenors in their 30s. I sent them my audition package that morning via email and they asked me to come in that afternoon. It was an exciting offer and I showed up to find that it was the call-backs. Typically, one sings for a casting agent, but when I walked into the room, there were about ten people there including The Celebrity. I've given ample hints as to who it was. The quotes that I gave were from a certain, wonderful family movie starring little Fred Savage. Ok, enough of dropping names. For those of you who knew me back in High School, this film had a huge impact on my formative years. It was all I could do to not start shouting out movie quotes in the rests between my singing!

It was my only my second brush with celebrity since moving here and it was pretty thrilling. I did sing rather well, but on the way out the monitor said that they were looking for someone either ten years older or ten years younger. So goes the show business.

My Life, the Carousel (You may want to look at a subway map)

Hop on the G-Train heading towards Queens. Ride the subway to the end. At Long Island City, Change to the E/V line. The "music" kicks up. It's a woman screaming obscenities at no one in particular. People quicken their pace to move past. I'm sure that there are moments when we all wish we could scream like that.

Pop onto the E/V Train and take it one stop to 51st Street. Walk up 5 flights of stairs. It is good for your heart. I could take the escalator but I fear that it ascends so high that I'll end up looking at St. Peter as I walk off. Better the devil you know, and so I take the stairs two at a time.

Walk north to 58th Street, where I go to my office job. Spend the day there, listening to the music of a Scottsman and a Brit teasing each other as they pick out $300/yard fabric.

At 5 p.m., walk back down to 51st street, Catch the E-train to 14th Street in Chelsea. Sing an opera with a small company. The music there? Amahl and the night visitors. Walk back down to 14th street, Grab the C-train to Brooklyn, transfer to the G at Hoyt-Schermerhorn and ascend the stairs to our home.

This is the New York equivalent of a perfect circle. The ups and downs are the variations that I see as I do this same loop day in and day out. The music changes as I go from station to station. I hear steel drum melodies, people playing Christmas Carols on their electric keyboards, jazz trios, and subway dancers who do flips off of the poles in the subway cars as hip-hop blares.

It is a fun ride. Hang on!

The other side of the tracks?

"Why do you need a coat check in the lobby of an apartment building?" my wife asked.

I'll apologize for this posting in advance. It is both exciting, interesting and a little bit vulgar, but it is entirely honest.

Let's start at the beginning. Tonight was a cocktail party where my employer had a book signing for his new book, a retrospective on his career. We were literally right across the river from our apartment. While we live in Brooklyn, looking at Manhattan, tonight we were at 1st avenue and 49th street, on the 12th floor looking up at the Chrysler building and the blue glow of the Empire State Building. Looking down, you can see the Secretariat Building.

The view was gorgeous. Breathtaking, in fact. But the interior design was opulent beyond words. I've been temping in a design firm that has worked with numerous famous clients and this was one of my boss' favorite homes. An apartment at UN Plaza that overlooks the East Side of Manhattan. His client? She collects Japanese art from the 18th Century that is framed in formal, yet fun, shades of green, red, and pink. There are streiee, mouldings, hand-painted columns and custom-quilted day beds to flesh out the home. It sounds like something inappropriate, but believe me, it is a work of art. The project began as a small (3 bedroom) apartment, but the clients then bought the next door flat, tore down a wall and redid the whole darn things. Not being appreciative of the intricacies of interior design, I have learned that their are details and touches of true art that can touch a home and bring it to an almost sublime level. I've worn two types of plaid simultaneously, so I think I'm learning a lot!

This apartment could have cost upwards of seven million for just the real estate. The decoration alone was worth at least a million. To see it and share in it was an unbelievable experience.

And then there were the guests. They varied from the eccentric to the fun, yet unapproachably rich. My colleague, The Dancer, my wife and I were roaming the rooms of this apartment meeting guests of unimagined wealth who all enjoyed homes designed by my boss. Let's call my boss, The Scottsman. The Scottsman is a (somewhat crotchety) man of his mid-seventies. He has designed for people who you would know from history class, the society papers and people who very quietly control most of the wealth of the nation.

The party began with waiters in tuxedos circulating around with wine and taking cocktail orders. When my wife and I asked for a red, we were politely informed that nothing more than "off -white " was being served. Insert foot in mouth.

Circulating around the apartment, we met a range of people who had all enjoyed working with The Scottsman over the years. My wife and I had switched to white wine by then and our glasses were never less than half full.

At the end of the night, we were in the process of saying goodbye to the Scottsman, Chippy (his wife) and The Host and Hostess. The Host was an older man who remained seated for the party. He had a slight tremor in his left hand and the devil in his eye. My wife was chatting with him while I was speaking to The Hostess across the room.

As she leaned over to hear him a little better, she felt something brush against her backside. She wasn't quite sure what it was, but then she felt it brush by the the other cheek, where it remained. As she described it, time started to slow down. All of a sudden he said, "Do you mind it when people touch your bottom while they talk to you?"

Her only response was, "MR. HOST, BEHAVE." As she took a step away from him, he gave her a devilish grin.

The Bear comes to New York City

Yesterday morning I discovered a voice-mail on my cell from my brother-in-law, The Bear. It began with our favorite Beastie Boys anthem, "No Sleep 'till Brooklyn" and after he yelled that out we heard, "What are you doing for dinner tonight? Call me!"

Having visitors in New York is a nice thing. Obviously, it is a good bit nicer when The Bear's employer is picking up the cab fare and the hotel at Times Square.

All this brings me to the point of this entry. Times Squre. It is the heart of our city yet it is not a place that many locals go to voluntarily. Crowded with people who generally look up, rather than where they are going, it generally takes a Broadway show to entice a New Yorker to its bright lights. I've never had a friend say, "Oh, there is this great cafe at Times Square, why don't you meet me there at 7 p.m. on Friday night." -- (7 p.m. is when the theater rush begins.)

In our effort to blend in as true city folk, my wife and I avoid Times Square like the plague, deride it in conversations with aquaintances and, when forced to go there, hurry past with our eyes glued to the ground.

The Bear's arrival threw that all off, though. He was staying at the Marriott, a hotel so grand that there is has a Broadway show running in the theater on the ground floor. This being his first trip to the city, my wife took him to his hotel and I met them their after rehearsal for a late dinner.

Besides the great pleasure we took in seeing the Bear outside of his natural environments, his visit also gave us a chance to actually see and take in a small portion of Times Square and the Theater District. It was great to just take a moment or two to stop and let him absorb the massive scale of the place and to see the Picasso-smear of lights and colors. The place is vibrant and even on a Tuesay night, it is chock full of interesting people to look at. People who, like The Bear, seemed stunned by the excitement of it all.

Having visitors in the city is a great way for us to be reminded of what a cool place we are living in. It also gives us a chance to do things that we would not normally do, simply because we live here. So, come on and visit us! We have a pull-out in the living room and we are dying to take the "Sex in the City" Bus Tour, the Circle Line Boat Ride around Manhattan, and grab a cocktail at the Rainbow Room (Straight up AND on the Rocks). More importantly, we want to do it with you!